Merely A Shadow
by WorkandHotdogs
Summary: A new chapter for Zoe but will she become a mere shadow of her former self?
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Hey guys. This is something pretty different to what I usually write so please bear with me. I've got this one all planned out and it'll be a fairly lengthy one by the time it's finished I hope. But for the time being, enjoy this little introductory chapter. It's short, I know, but it didn't fit to make it longer.  
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_**Oh and Nick, Zoe and Casualty still aren't mine. My mistakes are though; do forgive the odd typo or whatever you might find.  
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_**Enjoy.**_

Zoe looked at herself in the mirror. This was it.

Leaving her home, she hopped into her Mini and drove to Holby City Hospital. She sat inside her car for a good few minutes, the apprehension was building. Zoe could feel it knotting up her stomach and making her mouth go dry.

Taking a few deep breaths and checking her make up in her rear-view mirror, she stepped out of the car, grabbed her handbag and headed into the E.D.

"Morning Doctor Hanna," came Noel's cheery greeting.

"Hiya, Noel," she replied, faffing with something inside her handbag.

"Everything alright?" The receptionist asked her as she passed him by.

"Yeah," Zoe answered although her voice gave away that she was pre-occupied.

Noel merely shrugged and went back to telling people where they should sit and that a doctor would see them soon.

Zoe didn't bother to put her things away in her locker; she doubted she'd be here long enough to warrant her spending the time.

Weaving through doors and around people she finally reached Nick Jordan's office. She took a quick glance through the glass to make sure that he was alone in there; she came to speak to him, not Miriam. As much as Zoe had come to get along with her, she preferred to talk to Nick.

Calming herself once more, Zoe knocked on the dark wood door.

"Come in," she heard him call.

Zoe opened the door and stepped inside. She didn't speak, instead waiting for him to look up at her.

"Zoe? What can I do for you?" He put down the large medical journal he'd been reading and looked at her.

"I wanted to make sure you'd received my letter." Zoe worked hard to make sure her voice was cool and professional even though her insides were churning.

Nick sighed, "Yes, I did. I can't say I agree with it but it's your choice, unless of course you've come here to tell me to tear it up." Zoe heard the hope in his voice.

She couldn't help the small smile that tugged at her lips. Glancing towards her feet for a moment before meeting his eyes, she spoke.

"No, Nick, I haven't. My decision is final. It's time for me to move on." Her voice carried the notes of sadness and regret but she knew what she had to do.

Nick nodded slowly before getting to his feet and approaching her.

"You haven't told the others have you?" It wasn't so much a question as a statement. She couldn't bring herself to tell everyone for some strange reason. She just wanted to go quietly.

"No. I couldn't bear the party they'd probably have ended up planning. I'm taking a leaf out of your book I guess."

"Yes, I can't say I blame you." Nick smiled sadly.

"Well, I guess I should be going. The removal people are coming at eleven," she paused for a moment before continuing, "tell them I'm sorry, will you?"

He nodded, "Of course. Now, you take care of yourself."

Zoe held out her hand expecting him to shake it. He ignored it and pulled her into a hug. They stood there for a few long minutes. Minutes where they were who they used to be and not who they'd become. Squeezing her eyes tightly shut she willed herself not to cry. The strong arms around her didn't seem to want to let go and neither did she but with all of the willpower she had, she pressed the faintest trace of a kiss to the skin just above his collar and pulled away.

"Goodbye, Nick," Zoe said, voice barely above a whisper.

With that she turned and left his office, her perfume lingering like a ghost.

Nick stood rooted to the spot. He never thought she'd go while he was still here. He had always been of the impression that it would be him that went first for obvious reasons.

* * *

><p>He heard the door open again and he hoped it'd be her telling him she'd changed her mind but instead it was Miriam. Nick struggled to hide his disappointment.<p>

"Nicky? What's the matter?" Miriam had clocked his reaction. _Bloody woman._

"We've just lost the best doctor we have and I've just lost… well, I don't know what I've lost."

She gave him a sympathetic look and started rummaging through the bottom draw of her desk.

Nick didn't move but his eyes followed her movement.

"Time to break out some of the good stuff then?" Miriam pulled out the bottle of whiskey she kept in there for when the day had been particularly stressful.

Nick acquiesced and took the tumbler of the golden liquid she offered. He mulled it around in the glass watching how the light reflected though it.

Before he could even raise it to his lips Mads burst through the office door, "I'm sorry to interrupt but we have a major RTC incoming. ETA three minutes."

"Thank you, Mads," he said casting a look towards Miriam, "We'll be right there."

Mads nodded and rushed back to the E.D.

"Come on, we have a job to do."

Nick nodded.

Miriam patted him on the back as they headed for the door.

* * *

><p>Zoe closed her front door behind her and looked at the sea of cardboard boxes that greeted. In a few days' time she'd be unpacking these in a house one hundred and fifty miles away. She sat down heavily on the sofa and contemplated opening a bottle of wine but then the fact that she'd be driving popped into her head. So she just sat in the quiet room waiting for the knock of the removal men.<p>

She didn't have to wait long.

_**A/N: Well there you have it. I told you it'd be different. I hope you liked it. :)**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Well here you have chapter two. Not a lot happens but some characters you'll be seeing more of in the future make their debut appearances. I hope you like.**_

_**p.s I would have posted this last night but the site was being a tool and not letting me log in :(  
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The E.D. was dead. Her heels echoed loudly on the tile as she walked. Zoe felt quite unnerved; she was used to a bustling department with the comforting backdrop of endless chatter. She spotted a young brunette woman who she guessed must be the receptionist and approached her.

"Excuse me, I'm Doctor Hanna. I'm looking for Miss Carter."

The woman smiled, "Follow me."

Zoe tried to take in the layout of the department, it wasn't dissimilar to Holby but the whole feel of the place was different. It would take some getting used to.

The woman showed her into a small office, "Miss Carter, this is Doctor Hanna."

Miss Carter looked up from her computer and smiled widely.

"Thank you, Jenny."

Jenny nodded and left the two women alone.

The older woman pushed back from her desk and came to shake Zoe's hand.

"Welcome to Appleby E.D Doctor Hanna."

"Thank you."

"I'll give you the guided tour," Miss Carter said as she ushered Zoe out of her office, "we're not a big hospital or department but we value the high level of personal care we give to every patient who comes through our doors."

Zoe nodded. "It's going to take a bit of getting used to. My old department was a lot bigger and busier."

"That's understandable but you'll find it won't take long to adjust."

Zoe laughed, "Oh I hope so."

"These are obviously cubicles; we have fifteen of them along with three additional ones which we can use for isolation and other various things."

"And what about resus?"

"That's just here," Miss Carter said as they rounded a corner. "We have the capacity for two people to be treated simultaneously and then a smaller paediatrics resus is just down that corridor there." She pointed to a door to their right.

Zoe kept in step with the woman as she headed towards a staff room that bore strong similarities to the one back in Holby. Shaking her head slightly she tried to stop herself comparing everything to Holby. She'd never settle in if she carried on like that.

_You didn't really want to go though, did you? You know that. Nick didn't want you to go either. Maybe you don't want to settle in._

She willed the thoughts to go away; she couldn't dwell on the past. She chose to go away because the pain of seeing Nick Jordan every day and knowing he probably couldn't love her again as much as she still loved him was killing her. Zoe hoped that by getting herself out of the situation she'd be able to move on. No matter how difficult it might turn out to be.

Miss Carter had obviously been talking while Zoe had been thinking and all she heard was, "Well I'll leave you to settle in," before the woman disappeared.

Zoe scanned for an empty locker. She found one and swiftly claimed it as her own. Checking her watch Zoe saw it was only ten. She decided to make herself a cup of coffee and try to reacclimatise.

A scruffy young Welshman bounded into the staff room and stopped right in front of Zoe.

"Sorry love, but patients aren't allowed in here."

Zoe raised her eyebrow and gave him a challenging look.

"I'm Doctor Hanna. Zoe. I started today."

"Oh, well that explains a lot. Sorry about that." He looked down at his shoes in embarrassment before he glanced at Zoe again.

"Can I get you a drink or something? I was planning on putting the kettle on anyway."

"No thanks, I've just had one and I should be getting to work soon."

If he'd been disappointed he didn't show it, "No problem, Doc."

Zoe smiled. He had a hint of Big Mac about him. She felt comforted a little already.

"I didn't catch your name," she said to his back as he made himself a cup of tea.

"It's Rhys. I'm a porter."

"Lovely to meet you Rhys," Zoe got to her feet and headed for the door. Looking back over her shoulder she said, "Enjoy your cuppa. I'll bump into you later hopefully. See you later."

Rhys beamed, "Bye Zoe," he called. "Hopefully," he said quietly to himself.

It seemed as though Rhys was quite taken with this new Doctor.

Zoe barely had time to do anything before the red doors of the E.D. burst open and two paramedics wheeled a trolley through.

She fell into step with them, "I'm Doctor Hanna, who do we have here?"

The paramedics wheeled the teenage boy into one of the bays.

"This is Jamie, fifteen years old, GCS of fourteen, query fracture of the left seventh rib and compound fracture of the left fibula. Both the result of a collision with a car. He's had 5 of morphine and oxygen throughout."

"Okay thank you." Zoe and the paramedics who she would later find out are called Ben and Suki stepped into position along with a female nurse and a second doctor.

"On my count folks, one, two and three."

Jamie was lifted onto the bed in resus. "Hiya Jamie, I'm Doctor Hanna, you're in Appleby hospital. Can you give my hand a squeeze?" She felt his fingers grip hers tightly, "good man. Now apart from the pain in your chest and leg, is there anywhere else that hurts?"

Jamie groaned but answered with a whispered no.

"Okay ladies and gents can someone get ortho on the phone, he's going to need surgery for this leg. I need a mobile chest x-ray and another five of morphine."

"Jamie, is there anyone we can call for you?"

"My mum," he managed to croak out. He tapped his trouser pocket; his mobile phone was inside.

"Okay, I'll get one of the nurses to give her a ring for you."

He gave her a weak smile before letting his eyes rest shut.

The second doctor was stood back observing her. Another nurse appeared in resus and began helping the one that had been there for the hand over.

Zoe approached the man.

"Doctor Zoe Hanna and you are?"

"Doctor Craig McLeish," he answered with a hint of a Scottish twang. She immediately conjured up an image of Lenny in her mind and smiled.

"Nice to meet you."

"Yes you too. I have to say, that was quite remarkable. I've not seen anyone that fast in a good while."

"Well, the E.D. I was last at would have counted that as average. I can work faster when I have to."

He smirked, "I think I'm going to like working with you Doctor Hanna."

She smiled back at him.

"Doctor Hanna?" One of the nurses called her.

"Yeah?"

"Ortho say they're ready when we are."

"Okay great. Get this mobile x-ray sorted then we can deal with the transfer upstairs."

The nurse nodded and went back to helping her colleague.

Zoe wandered back to where Craig was standing, "So, do we have anyone in cubicles who needs looking at?"

"Keen too. Actually no, not for the moment. There's nothing the nurses can't handle. I think Sister Davis knows more than me sometimes."

Zoe looked confused, she hadn't met Tess' equivalent yet.

"Ah, you've not met her have you? I'll give you some advice, don't cross her. The result is never pretty. She's a damn clever woman though. It's the experience that sways it; she's been in nursing for nearly thirty years. I don't think she'll ever retire."

"She sounds great. I might have to go and hunt her down and introduce myself."

Craig smiled. "She'd probably like that. Beryl's a fan of the head strong woman."

"I'll bet she is. Oh looks like that chest X-ray's done. I'll catch you later."

Craig nodded and left the newest addition to their team too it. Zoe had impressed him and that hardly ever happened.

"Jamie, we've got your X-rays back. The good news is that you haven't broken any ribs, but the bad news is that the bruising is still pretty severe. It's going to hurt like hell for a while but you'll be okay."

The boy nodded, "What about my leg?"

"You're going to need surgery but it's nothing overly serious. You'll be right as rain in no time."

He reached out for her hand, "Thanks Doc."

She squeezed his hand, "Anytime."

"Jamie!" A petite woman wearing a cream coat came rushing into the room, "Oh Jamie what happened?"

"Nothing mum, I just didn't look properly. The doc says I'll be better in no time."

Zoe nodded, "Jamie's going to need surgery on his leg to repair the fracture and his ribs are pretty badly bruised but there shouldn't be any long term damage."

She saw the wave of relief wash over the woman's face. "Are there any forms I need to sign?"

"I was just about to ask you to sign this."

Zoe handed her the clipboard with the consent form attached and the woman signed it swiftly.

"When will he be going up?"

"The orthopaedic surgeons are ready and waiting."

"Okay."

Zoe left to poke her head out of resus, "Rhys?" She called.

The Welshman appeared barely a second later.

"Doctor Hanna," he said with a lopsided grin.

"Would you take Jamie up to Ortho for me?"

"Not a problem doc."

"Thank you."

Zoe turned to give one last look towards Jamie and his mum before heading off in search of another cup of coffee.

As first days go, Zoe was rather proud of this one.

_**A/N: It's quite fun inventing all of these new characters … who knows what they'll be capable of. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Here's another chapter for you lovely readers.**_

_**I'd like to take a moment to dedicate this story to SashaFirce24. You're reviews never cease to make my day and you always inspire me to write more, so this is my way of saying a proper thank you.**_

Zoe had managed to settle into the new E.D. Most of the staff were great and she'd found a friend in Rhys, the porter. Surprisingly she'd had no run-ins with the clinical lead either. Miss Carter was a fierce woman. She was slim and petite and had blonde hair that was usually scraped into a bun. She smirked to herself as she raised the glass of red wine to her lips.

Arguing with Nick had become a hobby of hers. Zoe missed It. She missed the way his eyes would come alive and how he'd stand that little straighter in a subconscious attempt to be intimidating. She missed _him_.

Zoe downed the rest of her glass and swiftly refilled it from the bottle. She contemplated ringing him; just to see how the E.D. was getting on and to check if the gang had forgiven her. Zoe shook her head. She'd probably end up leaving some drunken messages on his answer phone.

As the episode of Sex and the City she was watching came to an end, Zoe swept her free arm around the sofa trying to find the remote. Her hand found it and she browsed through the channels looking for something her drink addled brain could appreciate. She wasn't sure what she'd landed on but she settled back on the sofa and carried on sipping at the burgundy colour liquid.

The early hours of the morning arrived slowly and Zoe staggered up from the sofa and headed to bed.

She found herself cuddling a pillow to her chest and dreaming it was a certain man.

* * *

><p>Zoe was rudely roused from sleep by rays of sunlight dancing across her eyes. In her drowsy state she'd forgotten to draw the curtains. She groaned and turned onto her side, moving her eyes from the light.<p>

Zoe slipped back into a dream. She and Nick were in their favourite restaurant just chatting and laughing. He'd decided he was going to take her away for a few days. Her bump was getting bigger and he saw her eyes light up. Nick got up from his seat and knelt down in front of her, reaching up to hold his hands on her stomach. He smiled up at her as he felt the baby kick his hands.

Zoe felt her dream slip away and she woke up again with a stray tear making its way over her nose and dripping softly onto the sheets.

She wiped away the water with a confused expression; the memory of the dream had since slipped away.

* * *

><p>Once Zoe arrived at the E.D. she smiled as she entered the staff room; Rhys had made her a coffee, just the way she liked it in a mug he's brought that bore her name.<p>

She felt better for going to work with a decent cup of coffee running through her veins and left to tackle the trials and tribulations of the small emergency department.

* * *

><p>"We have to do the procedure here!" Zoe said, on the verge of shouting, "It's too dangerous to move her."<p>

"I'm sorry doctor Hanna but there is no way I'm letting you do this," Miss Carter said.

"This is ridiculous, I've done this before, and I can save this woman's life!" This time Zoe did raise her voice.

"It's not a safe procedure in the E.D."

"Rubbish! That's no reason for not letting me do this; 'oh I've never seen it done before'."

"I don't like your attitude, Zoe. Get out. You are no longer required in here. Nurse, page doctor McLeish." Miss Carter stood with her hands on her hips, venom dripping in her words.

Zoe shot her a look that should have turned her to stone, turned on her heel and marched out of resus. She was fuming.

Craig passed her in the corridor and gave her a look to which Zoe mouthed that she'd fill him in later.

Heading back to the staff room, she plonked down on the sofa and scrubbed her face with her hands.

* * *

><p>Rhys was wandering back to the E.D after wheeling a patient up to the cardio ward when he noticed Zoe pacing around the staff room. The Welshman poked his head around the door.<p>

"Zoe? You alright my love?"

She stopped at the sound of his voice, "Yeah …" she said, defeated.

He stepped towards her, "Come on, what happened?"

"Bloody Carter. There was a woman, Jules, who came in in a critical condition. She needed surgery but it was too risky to move her. I could have performed a procedure that could have made her more stable but Carter decided it was too dangerous. So, when I argued back she kicked me out and sent for Craig."

Rhys sighed, "Yeah, that sounds like her. She's not a fan of being shown up by her 'juniors' as she likes to call you. If she can't do something herself she'll kick up a fuss when someone suggests it."

"How stupid is that? Why would you put patients' lives at risk because you were afraid of bruising your ego?"

"I know, Zoe, I do. I've wheeled people out of that room under a white sheet that should have walked out."

"Why does no-one say anything?"

"We're a small department in a small hospital. We're very rarely under the microscope."

"That's ridiculous. I should speak to someone about this."

"You can try love, but it'll probably fall on deaf ears. They don't want the hassle of replacing her."

Zoe sighed in defeat. "Looks like I'm going to have to have a word with her myself. It worked with my old boss."

Rhys nodded, "It's worth a shot I guess. Can't do any harm."

"Well, apart from making her more pissed off at me."

Rhys laughed in a rich baritone, "I suppose you're right. You won't be the first and you probably won't be the last."

"That makes me feel better," Zoe said with just a hint of sarcasm.

"Right, come here you," Rhys said while holding his arms wide.

She just looked at him, puzzled.

"You need a hug doctor Hanna and my hugs are famous in this department."

She smiled warmly at him before stepping into his embrace.

He'd been right, his hugs were good. She imagined that this would have been how an older brother would have hugged her if she had one. She felt safe and comforted.

Rhys rested his cheek on the top of her head.

"You really needed a hug didn't you? Everyone needs a good hug every now and again."

Zoe nodded and gave him a squeeze before leaning back up to look at him.

"Thanks Rhys."

"Anytime my lovely. Anytime." With that he turned and left her alone.

Zoe left the room a few moments later and bumped into a rather dejected looking Doctor McLeish.

* * *

><p>"Craig? What happened?"<p>

"You were right. If Carter had've let you do that damn procedure …" He stopped speaking and looked at her with regret.

"She didn't make it did she?"

He shook his head.

Zoe touched his arm. "It's not your fault Craig. It's hers. I'm gonna go have a word."

He looked at her a moment before nodding and walking away.

Zoe strode towards Carter's office fully intent on giving her a piece of her mind.

* * *

><p>When she reached the door, she knocked twice and walked in.<p>

"We need to have a chat, Miss Carter."

The blonde looked up and regarded Zoe with barely concealed irritation.

"I was about to say the same thing to you. Your attitude in resus today was totally out of line."

Zoe snorted with exasperation and spoke again, "To be perfectly honest with you I think the way you were today was just ridiculous. I could have saved that woman today."

Carter paled, "No you couldn't," she said in a low, threatening voice.

"Yes I could. I've done it before. Craig could have assisted me. It was possible and you know it."

Carter just stared. It looked as though she was about to explode.

"I know why you wouldn't let me do it and frankly it's disgusting. That woman's life is a million times more important than your precious ego. I'm ashamed to have you as my superior if I'm quite honest."

"I suggest you stop talking right now or you will be out of her faster than you can blink."

"It's no good threatening me. I can make your job very difficult Carter."

"I think you should leave now."

"Just think about what I said. Next time, don't question my judgement and you won't lose as many patients."

Zoe then turned on her heel and left.

* * *

><p>"Zoe, love, we're all going down the pub. Fancy coming?" Rhys had been hanging around waiting for her.<p>

"I'd love to. Where's Craig? I think he could do with a drink more than any of us."

"He's going to meet us there."

Zoe nodded and looped her arm through his as they left the E.D for the day.

_**A/N: Well there we go. I hope you liked it :)**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Howdy guys. Another chapter for you. Any spelling/grammar/stupid mistakes are still mine. I hope you enjoy it.**_

_**p.s. A big thank you to everyone who's reviewed so far. I really do appreciate you taking the time.**_

There were currently eight of them sitting around the table in the pub. Rhys, Craig McLeish, Suki, Ben, Tracey and Paula who were the two nurses Zoe often worked with, Jenny the receptionist and Zoe.

A fair bit of alcohol had been consumed and the group were in higher spirits than they had been when they arrived. Zoe was sat between Rhys and Craig. Rhys had his arm draped over the back of her chair whilst Craig stared into his pint.

She touched his hand which prompted him to raise his eyes to hers.

"It really wasn't your fault," she said with as much sympathy she could muster with four and a half glasses of wine coursing through her.

"I know," he said, still sounding defeated.

"I gave Carter what for. I don't think she'll argue again. I won't let her put patients' safety at risk like that. No way. Things are going to be different from now on," Zoe assured him.

"I hope so. I really bloody hope so."

Zoe left her hand where it rested upon Craig's and he made no effort to move it. She smiled sadly to herself before she decided to lace her fingers through his.

She's noticed little things changing; she was never usually the comforting type yet here she was, holding this man's hand, offering comfort.

She doubted she could ever have done this for any of her old colleagues; except Nick of course. Nick. She sighed inwardly. Would she ever stop comparing everything to him? If it were possible to break the habit, Zoe decided it would take a long, long time. It wasn't going to help if she kept dwelling on him all of the time. That nagging voice in the back of her mind taunted her whenever she thought of him. _He's never going to love you again, you know, especially not after what you did to him. Never in a million years will he take you back. Why would he? There are a million other women out there who can give him what he wants; a child._

A single tear rolled down her cheek. It always came back to that didn't it?

Craig hadn't noticed anything; his gaze was still directed to his beer. Rhys, however, moved his arm so it settled across her shoulders. He ran his hand up and down the top of her arm.

"You need to talk to me, Zoe. Once we're finished here, come back to mine and we'll see if we can't make all of this better," he whispered into her ear.

She looked at him and nodded.

"Okay."

He gave her a sad smile before returning his attention back to the conversation.

Zoe thought about how she must look to the others; she was holding Craig's hand giving him the comfort he needed, whilst Rhys sat with his arm draped across her shoulders giving the comfort that she needed.

She was surprised at how well she'd managed to fit in with the group considering they were such a small number. She expected them to be cliquey but they weren't. Zoe couldn't have asked for a better welcome.

It had only been a few weeks but already she felt part of the team. Yet another thread anchoring her heart to Holby snapped and she found that she didn't miss it quite as much as she was expecting too.

* * *

><p>Another couple of hours ticked by and each member of the group were displaying varying degrees of inebriation. Zoe was surprised to find that it was the two paramedics, Suki and Ben, who'd drunk them all under the table and were currently laughing uncontrollably at something Zoe reasoned, would only be funny to someone as gone as them.<p>

Her vision was a little fuzzy and she knew she's have a stinker of a headache in the morning but for the moment she felt okay.

Tracey and Paula offered to see the two pissed paramedics home and so the four of them disappeared.

Rhys announced that he'd be taking Zoe home which left Jenny to deal with Craig. It wasn't that she minded. The young receptionist had been harbouring a crush for a while. The woman had amazing self-control not to sit there shooting death glares at Zoe as she held the rugged man's hand. So, as they got up to leave Zoe hugged her, and looped the tipsy Doctor McLeish's arm through Jenny's.

"Right then, let's get you a decent cup of coffee shall we?" Rhys offered his arm, which she took gratefully.

"Sounds good to me," she answered as he led her out of the pub and too his car.

They journeyed in silence; Zoe had her head resting half on the window as the watched the streetlights swish past.

* * *

><p>Before long they reached a small apartment complex.<p>

"Come on," Rhys said while gently nudging her arm, "We're here."

Zoe grumbled her reply whilst she hoisted herself out of the car. Closing the door behind her, she leaned against the cold metal watching her breath as it left in white puffs of smoke. The stars were out tonight; there was no cloud which accounted for the serious lack of any semblance of warmth. Her eyes lit up as she saw the shooting star stream across the midnight blackness. She watched it intently, bestowing a wish upon it as it passed and eventually left the area of sky she could see.

"Bloody hell," Rhys said with an air of wonder, "I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid. Did you make a wish?"

"Yeah, I did," she answered him but her attention was elsewhere.

Zoe felt him take her arm and lead her upstairs and into his flat. It wasn't big or flashy but it had that unmistakable sense of home.

"Make yourself at home, I'll go and stick the kettle on."

She nodded.

Zoe kicked off her shoes after she plonked herself down on the surprisingly comfortable sofa. Once her feet were bare she tucked them underneath her.

Moments later the Welshman returned with two mugs. He handed one to Zoe then sat down next to her cradling his own.

"So, what had you all teary in the pub earlier?" He decided that skirting around the issue would probably get them no-where.

"Memories." Zoe gave nothing away. Even she didn't know if it had been intentional or not.

"I kind of figured that part out for myself love. Memories of what?" He pressed her for answers again, "Or who?"

"Memories of all sorts really, but they all have one thing in common."

Rhys was intrigued now, "Hmm and that thing is?" A little more gentle coaxing…

"A man."

"Ah."

"The man I used to work for, my old clinical lead, my -"

"You loved him, didn't you?" Rhys spoke softly now.

Zoe nodded and then carried on in a strangled tone as she fought the tears she knew were trying to escape, "I did. And then I did something stupid."

He wrinkled his brow, "What did you do Zoe?"

Zoe recounted everything; from how they'd gone from hating each other to being totally in love, how she'd thought she was pregnant but the test turned out to be negative, how Nick had got the wrong end of the stick when she tried to tell him, how he'd proposed, how she'd broken his heart by blurting out she wasn't pregnant at all.

Rhys had taken her hands halfway through her speech and was running circles on the backs of her hands with the pads of his fingers.

"Bloody hell, Zoe."

She sniffed lightly and gave a slight nod.

"I don't know how you've managed to hold it together."

"Well, I didn't really. I ended up here didn't I?"

"I suppose you're right."

"I got to a stage where I just couldn't bear to look at him anymore; every time I did, I felt my heart break that little bit more."

He nodded in understanding and pulled her too him. She curled up into his side and he held her shoulders.

"You'll find someone. I know it. Someone who will really love you."

"Maybe one day."

The pair didn't speak again. Instead they found themselves drifting off to sleep; Zoe was exhausted from the combination of drinking and spilling her heart.

* * *

><p>When the two of them eventually woke up the next morning, there was no awkwardness or eagerness to run away. Instead Zoe felt better for knowing that she had a proper friend.<p>

The sat and just looked at each other. Rhys smiled at her, "If you don't have to rush off, I'll fix us some breakfast."

"The only way that could be better is if headache tablets were included somewhere," Zoe rubbed her forehead willing her hangover away.

A rich chuckle escaped his lips. "I suppose I can stretch to that. Give me a few minutes."

He patted her knee as he got up and left for the kitchen.

Zoe stretched, rolling her neck to try and get the muscles to ease up. She gave up almost as soon as she started. It was no use. She'd have to wait for the tablets do their job.

Zoe decided she'd pop to the bathroom whilst Rhys was sorting preparing them breakfast. As soon as she returned she smiled. He was already seated back on the sofa. On the coffee table in front of them were two plates; each with a fried egg on toast, and two mugs off coffee. She also noticed a glass tumbler filled with water and two white capsules resting beside it.

"You're a life saver," she said, pulling one of the plates to her and starting to eat. She wanted at least some food in her stomach before she took the tablets.

"It has been known," he replied cheekily.

Once they had both finished, Rhys offered to drive her home.

* * *

><p>She waved him off as he disappeared out of sight, a smile tugging at her lips.<p>

Zoe was glad that she was on the afternoon shift today. There was no way she could have made it in for the early one.

She made her way inside and proceeded to make herself look human again; she brushed her teeth, took a shower and reapplied her make-up. Zoe regarded herself in the mirror. The circles under her eyes were a little more pronounced but she attributed that to the hangover and the emotional outburst. It wasn't anything she couldn't cover.

* * *

><p>By the time eleven thirty rolled around, Zoe was striding into the E.D. ready to face another day.<p>

"Doctor Hanna!" Jenny called, from reception.

"Morning Jenny."

"These came for you this morning."

Zoe followed the young woman's gaze. Her eyes fell upon a large bouquet of flowers.

She approached them and plucked out the card.

_Zoe,_

_Best wishes for the future,_

_Love,_

And then followed the names of everyone she'd worked with. Her heart was in her throat; even Nick had signed it._  
><em>

Craig appeared behind her.

"Those are rather nice."

"Yeah, they're from my old colleagues," she managed to get out.

"They're obviously a good bunch. They better not be trying to bribe you to go back."

Zoe gave a half smile.

"I doubt it. I left without telling them I was moving. It would have been the clinical lead who told them. I'm surprised I got anything really after I did that to them."

"Don't be daft. People understand usually, even if they don't agree."

"Yeah. I guess."

The rest of Zoe's shift went without a hitch. She finally felt like she was ready to move on.

_**A/N: Well there we go. I hope you liked it.**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Hello again guys. Here's another chapter for you. This is kind of a filler I guess but it's important. **_

_**Nick and Zoe still aren't mine but I did get a letter from Michael French today with two cast cards and a lovely note. Pictures are on my tumblr :)**_

_**Thanks as always to all of you who've been reading, reviewing and favouriting. It really does make the effort seem worthwhile. It's the best thing in the world knowing people are getting a little joy from what I write.**_

_**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little instalment.**_

Days melted into weeks; the flowers she'd received from her old colleagues at Holby had long since died but the note that had accompanied them was held to her fridge with a magnet in the shape of a cocktail glass. It was her last real link to any of them; she hadn't spoken to any of them since she'd moved. The temptation was always there but Zoe tried with all her might to bury it. If she spoke to them then all of the work she'd put in to moving on would slowly unravel and she'd be left feeling homesick again.

* * *

><p>Clad in her over-sized fluffy pyjamas, Zoe shuffled into the kitchen in search of food. She approached the fridge and the card caught her eye. Moving the magnet so it was free, she held it in her hand. Her thumb moved across the thick card and swiped gently across where he'd signed his name. She could barely make out any of the letters; Zoe smiled as she imagined Noel cornering him when he was in a rush and him scribbling a vague semblance of his name before clopping off in those loud shoes of his.<p>

Zoe slammed her fist down on the counter. She'd moved to try and make it easier to get over him but all she ever did was find excuses to hold on. Feeling a tear collect in the corner of her eye she took a deep breath and dropped the card into the bin.

After finding something decent to eat for breakfast, Zoe had eaten, then showered and promptly dressed herself in her pyjamas again. She's called in sick earlier this morning; feeling like something had steamrollered her head and kicked her in the stomach Zoe decided that work was not a good idea. She sat down on the sofa with various files and folders. One condition for her being allowed the day off – she'd have to have her paperwork up to date.

Zoe snarled as she thought of Miss Carter. She still didn't know the woman's first name and thinking about it, she wasn't sure she wanted to. The woman's face came in to view in her mind's eye; hair pulled back tightly in a bun and pointy features all set off with a set of hawk-like amber eyes. Landing a rather good right hook on the woman's cheekbone and seeing her crumple in her day dream was satisfying enough for Zoe to get down to work.

* * *

><p>Stretching up from where she sat, Zoe felt her phone vibrate. She smiled when she saw who the message was from.<p>

_Bad hangover or genuinely dead? ;) x_

Trust Rhys to go for the hangover accusation.

_Genuinely dead. I think I've got a mix of everything – this is why I hate cubicles. x_

Two more minutes and her phone buzzed again.

_Ahh sounds wonderful. These germs of ours must be different from those ones from those Holby ones. You'll get used to them eventually. x_

_Oh wonderful. x_

_Now, now, doctor Hanna, there's no need for that ;) Want me to pop round later with some soup? It's my mam's recipe; you'll be right as rain in no time. x_

_Shhh you. That sounds lovely. x_

_I'll be there around 6 if that's alright? x_

_Great, I'll see you then. x_

_See you later, my lovely. Do try and get some rest. x _

Zoe didn't bother replying; Rhys was probably dragging out some job so he could text her and she didn't want to get him into trouble.

Having something to look forward to spurred Zoe on to finish her paperwork. Her stomach was looking forward to some proper food.

* * *

><p>At six on the dot she heard a knock at the door and a muffled call of "It's me love. I've brought the soup." She undid the latch and the door swung open to reveal her best friend with a large dish and a goofy grin.<p>

She smiled back and stood to the side to let him in.

"Where's your kitchen? I'll go and put this on the hob. It's gone a bit cool."

"Through here," Zoe said, and led him through the house.

Zoe spoke as they reached the kitchen, "Saucepans are in that bottom drawer there."

He pulled a face at her then laughed. "Thank you."

"D'you want a cuppa?"

"I'd love one," Rhys said, his attention now focused on the hob.

Zoe pottered around and had their cups of tea made just as Rhys was rummaging through cupboards to find them two bowls for their soup.

"Ahh, here we go," he said pouring equal measures of soup into each of the white bowls.

Zoe took one and held it up to her nose. It smelt delicious.

They took seats opposite each other at the small table in the kitchen and proceeded to eat.

"I've just thought," Zoe said, "I've got some rolls in the cupboard. D'you want a couple buttering? I fancy something to dip."

Rhys nodded. He would have answered properly but he'd have ended up spitting soup all down himself.

A few moments later she's placed a plate of rolls in the space between them.

The soup was fantastic. Zoe felt a million times better for eating it.

"Craig was asking after you today."

Zoe looked up at Rhys. "What?"

"Yeah, he asked me where you were. When I said you were ill he asked if I'd spoke to you, if you were okay etcetera."

"That's nice of him," Zoe said flippantly and went back to eating.

"Well it is but he seemed a lot more concerned for you than he ever has about anyone else."

"I'm his friend. I'd be the same with any of you guys."

"Yes, but you're you Zoe. You're a woman. Women care about their friend's well being. I'm not saying men don't. They're just a lot less likely to show it."

"If he was that concerned he could have just text or called me, surely."

"You'd think so, after all, that's what I did," Rhys said with a grin, "I think he likes you."

"Well yeah. We're friends."

"No, I mean, he _likes_ you."

"Ohh," Zoe said, giving herself a moment to let what Rhys had told her sink in.

Rhys chuckled, "You like him too, don't you?"

"I – I –uh," Zoe stammered. Her eye had been wandering towards their rugged Scottish doctor but she didn't think anyone had noticed. Even she hadn't noticed it till Jenny made some off-hand comment one day.

"Oh doctor Hanna, you're blushing."

"Shut up." She whacked him on the arm.

"Maybe the two of you should get together for a drink or something."

"Maybe."

Zoe and Rhys ended up curled together on the sofa. She was grateful for the warmth of another person. They'd broken out a bottle of wine, which had swiftly become two.

It was eleven before Rhys left Zoe alone with her thoughts. He kissed her cheek at the door and disappeared into the night.

* * *

><p>Zoe fished out her phone from down the side of the sofa and scrolled through her contacts list. The words had slightly blurred together but regained their focus when they came to rest on <em>Nick Jordan.<em>

She had no idea why she did it. Zoe hit the call button. She didn't expect him to answer but she still felt the relief when she heard the answer machine click on. Zoe should have hung up. She knew it, and yet she began to talk.

"Nick, it's me," she began, with a slight slur in her voice, "I just wanted to tell you that there's this guy at work. He reminds me of you I think. I might be going for a drink with him but I don't know. Every time something happens I think about you. I can't stop. It's like some kind of disease. The harder I fight it, the stronger it gets. I saw a bloke the other day in a suit just like one of yours. I nearly tapped him on the shoulder expecting you to look round," Zoe paused for a second before remembering herself, "Fuck. I – I should go. I don't know why I called. Sorry."

She hung up. Her brain whizzed through everything she'd said.

The answerphone clicked on.

"When I said I didn't know why I called, I didn't mean it like that. Oh, I don't know what I meant Nick. Sorry. Anyway, I'm okay. I hope that you're okay. Bye."

Zoe turned off her phone. She vowed not to call again. The last time she'd done that, she ended up making a colossal fool of herself. She probably had this time but at least she didn't have to face seeing him afterwards.

She cursed herself for giving in. Was she really that weak?

Zoe decided to ask Rhys for Craig's number and invite him out. Perhaps it was the only way of truly getting over the enigmatic Nick Jordan.

_**A/N: There we go then. Another one down. Of course she relented and called him. Who wouldn't have? **_

_**Will Craig accept Zoe's invitation? Will they hit it off? Will this be the beginning of Zoe properly getting over the lovely Mr Jordan? **_

_**I might get round to answering those questions in the chapters to come. :)**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Hey everyone! Here's another chapter for you. There's a couple of characters being introduced here – they're not main characters by any means but they will crop up every now and again. **_

_**Thank you as always for your lovely reviews, they don't half make my day.**_

Zoe punched the number into her phone. Hesitating for a moment, she contemplated cancelling the numbers but she persevered and hit the green 'call' button.

"Hello?"

"Craig? It's Zoe."

"Doctor Hanna? How are you?"

"I'm fine thanks. Listen, I was wondering if you were doing anything on Thursday night."

The line was silent for a few moments and then relief spread through her when he finally answered, "Nope, I'm free. As you know, I have no social life whatsoever."

She laughed a little at him.

"I was thinking that maybe we could go for a drink or something."

"Do you want me to invite the others as well?" Zoe could hear the nerves in his voice.

"I thought it could just be the two of us, that's if you want to."

"Want to? Yeah, yeah that sounds great." He was cute when he got flustered.

"Great," Zoe beamed.

"I'll pick you up at 7?"

"Okay. I'll see you then, Doctor McLeish."

"Bye, Zoe."

"Bye, Craig."

The call ended with Zoe beaming and Craig wondering if he had a decent shirt to wear.

* * *

><p>Zoe thanked whoever had sorted out the rota for the week – she had Thursday off. She spent the day in the best way she knew how; shopping.<p>

She swept through the stores like a seasoned pro – gliding around rails and rails of tempting fabric delights. A deep green top caught Zoe's eye. Deciding that it was about time she treated herself, she tried it on.

It was flattering and forgiving where it needed to be. She looked great, even if she did say so herself. All she needed to do was find a pair of shoes that would match. _Challenge accepted,_ Zoe thought.

An hour later she had the perfect pair of court shoes. Zoe strode through the small town streets with her boutique bags and everything was better than she could have ever expected.

* * *

><p>Deciding that no stint of retail therapy was complete without a coffee break, she slipped into a small café. It was tastefully decorated in pastel shades and Zoe decided this would become her favourite place to sit and relax. Taking a seat in the window and elderly lady approached.<p>

"Hello there dear, can I get you anything?"

Zoe smiled at her, "Could I have a coffee?"

"Of course, any cake? Bertie's just brought out a fresh batch of chocolate chip muffins." The woman turned and looked affectionately at the old man behind the counter who smiled.

"Yeah, a muffin would be lovely, thank you."

"Not at all dear. Bertie'll bring everything over in a moment."

Zoe found herself watching the couple with a sense of wonder. She couldn't imagine how two people could have spent such a long time together. It warmed her heart to see how love could stay so strong.

Bertie pottered over with a tray which he laid down on the table.

"Here we go," he poured the coffee from the pot into a china cup, "The milk and sugar are in these," he gestured to two small containers on the tray, "and here's your muffin. They're still warm; I've not long fetched them out of the oven."

"Thank you, Bertie," Zoe said, receiving a wide grin from the grey haired man.

"You're more than welcome. If you need anything, just give us a wave. Me or Aggie will come and sort you out."

She nodded in understanding and Bertie went back to nattering with his wife.

The muffin was divine. She could have eaten three more. And the coffee, wow, Zoe was quite fussy with what she drank but this was out of this world. Aggie and Bertie were obviously experts.

Once she'd cleaned her plate and drained the pot of its contents, she carried the tray back to the counter.

"How much do I owe you?"

"Two-sixty please, my love." Zoe fished the coins from her purse knowing that they really should have charged her more.

"And thanks for bringing the tray back dear," Aggie said from where she was arranging another batch of cakes onto a stand.

"No problem."

"We'll see you again?"

"Of course," Zoe said.

"Wonderful. I'll try and make sure we have some of those muffins in for you."

She grinned widely, "Now that Bertie, would be lovely. I tell you what, I'll pop back in this weekend. It's a friend of mine's birthday, I'll bring him with me."

"We look forward to it."

"Well, I'd best be going. Thanks for the cake and coffee, they were both great."

"Thank you dear. Have a nice evening."

They waved as she looked back at them through the window.

* * *

><p>Time passed relatively quickly for Zoe. She spent the rest of the day sorting her things out in the house properly. She hadn't had the time really since she'd moved in and now seemed the ideal time to do it.<p>

Once the whole place was spic and span, Zoe noticed it was getting on for five. Time to get ready. She showered and then took her time drying her hair into the perfect place. Her make-up was masterfully applied and then she got dressed.

She twirled in front of the mirror admiring herself from all angles. She shoes set everything off; she was glad she found them. Zoe checked the clock again. It was half past six. She smiled. There was plenty of time for a quick glass of wine; to calm the nerves of course.

* * *

><p>Craig had been sitting outside her home in his car for fifteen minutes. He liked her, he liked her a lot. This was obviously why he was sitting out here like a chicken. He looked at himself in the rear-view mirror; his brown hair was erratic on his head but it looked rather stylish and he had a hint of stubble but what really set off his face were his bright green eyes. He swiped his teeth with his tongue, took a deep breath and headed for Zoe's front door.<p>

He knocked three times on the dark wood and looked at his shoes while he waited for her to answer. Craig looked up as he heard the catch; the door swung open to reveal Doctor Zoe Hanna.

Craig stood there and didn't speak.

"What? Don't you like it?" Zoe made sure he'd be able to hear just a hint of disappointment.

"No, no, it's not that," he stuttered out, "You look amazing."

Zoe grinned widely.

"Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself." She reached out to wiggle to knot of his tie so it was a little less wonky than it was before.

He offered Zoe his arm, "Come on, you must be hungry, I know I am."

They exchanged smiles as Zoe took his arm. Craig led her to the black Mercedes that stood fifty feet from her front door. The cogs in her head whirled; if that had been silver she'd have been forgiven for thinking it was Nick's car.

Pushing the stray thought away, she hopped into the passenger seat and Craig drove the car through the night.

_**A/N: And there we have it. I know it's short but I wanted to write the date separately. I hope you liked it.**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: Hello everyone. I'm sorry for such a long delay in updates. Thank you as always for your continued support; it really is much appreciated. **_

_**Much love to LadyJordan – I know writing Nick isn't the easiest thing in the world but you're doing a bloody good job. If you haven't already guys you should go and read 'With or Without You' which is a companion piece to this written from Nick's POV.**_

_**Anyway, enough of my waffle, I hope you enjoy.**_

The car was warm and the leather seats hugged her body. Zoe watched Craig as he drove; he had a rather adorable expression of concentration on his face and a slight furrow in his brow. She smiled to herself before turning her attention back to watching the world fly past.

Zoe gave him a confused look when he swung the car into the car park behind a small Italian restaurant.

"Craig?"

"I know you said drinks but I thought you might like a meal," he replied with a nervous tone.

His eyes sparkled when he received a glowing smile from his companion.

"You are brilliant. It's a good job I hadn't eaten much before you came."

"Even if you have eaten, I'd have still brought you here. You could've watched me eat your share."

Zoe smirked and swatted on the arm. "Very funny."

"Aren't I just?"

"Shut up," she said with a teasing humour in her voice.

He raised and lowered his right eyebrow and accompanied it with a smirk; Zoe thought it was irresistible.

Craig hopped out of the car before rounding the bonnet to open Zoe's door for her. He held out a hand for her which she took as he helped her out of the car.

"Shall we?" Craig gestured towards the small eatery.

"Let's," she nodded, looping her arm through his.

* * *

><p>The restaurant was small and intimate; there were a dozen tables scattered around and the whole place flickered with candlelight emanating from trios of cream, black, and red candles that stood on each one. The place was full except for one table that Zoe assumed would be theirs.<p>

Once a waiter had seated them and they had ordered their meals, Craig and Zoe filled the time with small talk. Zoe was surprised at how easily the conversation flowed considering they hadn't known each other that long. Yes, they were friends, but they only usually socialised together when they were out with the rest of the team. This was something very different.

They spoke about their families and shared stories from their childhoods. Zoe's laugh rang through the air when Craig told her of one particular event in his past. That one would stick with her for a long time. He did make sure to drag a promise not to tell anyone else from her lips so he relaxed even more.

Their meals arrived not long after Zoe had recovered from another bout of laughter. She tucked eagerly into her lasagne whilst Craig spun spaghetti onto his fork. Zoe's eyes lit up as the food hit her tastebuds; it was out of this world.

"Good then?" Craig asked her once he'd finished a mouthful of his own.

"It's amazing. I can't believe I didn't know about this place sooner."

"I'm glad you didn't. It wouldn't have been as special then."

His green eyes were dancing in the candlelight.

"That's very true," Zoe answered him with her voice dropping to barely above a whisper.

Craig returned his attention to spinning spaghetti around his fork.

"Here," he said, holding it out to her, "Try it."

Zoe raised a skeptical eyebrow before tilting her head in agreement. She went to take the fork from his grip but he took it to her mouth so she could take the bite. As she chewed a hum of approval escaped her.

"You like it then?"

"I do. I'm starting to think I should have had the spaghetti instead."

"I can't possibly make a comparison when I haven't tried any of yours yet."

Zoe cut a piece and skewered it with her fork. This time Craig took the fork from her fingers and popped the chunk into his mouth. He chewed it and swallowed before making his choice.

"Nope, I think you made the right choice there, Zoe."

They finished eating not long after. A waiter scooped the plates up from the table whilst another swept in and refilled their glasses of wine.

"You can drink this one if you like," he gestured to the full glass of red that sat to his left, "I can't drink too much considering I'm in charge of getting you home safe later."

"Don't tempt me to drink it; I do want to stay relatively sober tonight."

He opened his mouth to speak but a look from her soon cut him off. Craig looked at her bashfully from under his eyelashes.

"I suppose the million pound question is; Zoe would you like dessert?"

She laughed again before answering. "That sounds perfect."

* * *

><p>Before long they had eaten their cheesecakes and we heading out of the door after an argument over who would pay the bill. Craig had been adamant that, since it was his idea, he should pay whilst Zoe being a 'modern girl' wanted to pay half. In the end Craig had won. Zoe wasn't sure how this happened but she had a suspicion that it was the combination of the wine and the way he just looked at her. It was as if he was <em>really<em> looking at her; through all of the persona and blasé and shields she had and inside to what the real Zoe Hanna was like.

Craig had Zoe's arm looped through his again on the short walk back to the car. Zoe was content; she had a stomach full of beautiful Italian food and a couple of glasses of wine and the company of a rather attractive man.

Once the pair of them were back in the car, Craig's hand found its way to hers. He silently thanked the car salesman who'd convinced him to buy an automatic. Zoe's fingers parted as his crept into the spaces between. She looked down at their joined fingers and smiled. My my, he was getting brave.

* * *

><p>Not knowing what to expect, Zoe was pleasantly surprised when they arrived at a small bar in town. It wasn't too fancy but it wasn't a dive either; it had been tastefully decorated with a welcoming atmosphere. Craig waved to the barman as they entered.<p>

"You want your usual mate?" The squat man asked as they approached the bar.

"Please, Grant. And a …"

"A white wine please," Zoe added after Craig's prompt.

"Coming right up." Grant pulled a half-pint for Craig and poured Zoe's glass of white wine. "Here you go."

"How much-?"

"On the house, Craig. It's your treat for being in the company of such a cracker."

Zoe chuckled.

"You mean you'll just make me pay the next time I pop by on my own?"

"Pretty much," Grant said with a laugh.

Craig shrugged at Zoe and guided her to a small table in the corner. The bar wasn't teaming with people but there were just enough to not make it feel strange.

They chatted again, much as they had done earlier and sipped at their drinks.

"So, are you in tomorrow?"

"I am. Luckily I'm on a late shift though or I'd be half dead from the hangover I'll probably have."

Craig smiled broadly, "I'm in at lunchtime which isn't so bad considering I've had less to drink than you."

"That's very true. On the brighter side, you might see me before you go home."

"I do hope so," he said, his voice husky.

Craig leaned closer to her and his eyes began to flutter closed.

The sound of Zoe's phone ringing caused him to shoot back and look at his hands with embarrassment.

She touched his hand and gave him an apologetic look before fishing her mobile from her handbag. The number on the screen wasn't familiar. Still, she answered anyway.

"Hello?"

"Zoe?"

She froze. Nick was calling her. Nick was calling her.

"Hi..." She didn't really know how to answer.

"You seem a bit distracted; anyone would think you were on a date." Zoe could hear that tone in his voice she loved – when it was directed at someone else of course.

"Well, actually I am."

"Oh the date you were so intent in mentioning on that rather inappropriate answer phone message?" The venom laced his words and she had to fight not to actually flinch. The memories of that damn night where she had given in and called his home number were hazy but she remembered enough to be embarrassed.

"About that, I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it."

"I could decide to take offense but that would no doubt lead to a long discussion of sorts" A sigh tried hard to escape her but she held it in. He'd given up on her. Not that she could blame him. Instead she remained silent trying to think of what she could say. He beat her too it.

"And on that note I'll leave you with another helpless victim. Enjoy the rest of your date, Doctor Hanna." There was something in his voice that Zoe didn't quite recognise. It almost sounded like pain. She winced.

"Nick..." It was too late, he'd hung up. Zoe gave Craig another apologetic smile and tried to return her attention back to enjoying her date.

* * *

><p>Craig hadn't asked about the phone call. He decided it wasn't a good idea at the moment but he made a mental note to broach the subject at some point in the future.<p>

Time passed at a steady pace. Once it reached eleven and Grant wanted to close up, Craig and Zoe wandered back to his car.

They didn't really speak to each other on the drive back to Zoe's but, like he had before, Craig wove his fingers through hers and stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.

* * *

><p>"Well," Zoe said, standing on her doorstep, "thank you for a lovely evening. I really enjoyed myself."<p>

"It was my pleasure," Craig said, sounding chuffed she'd had a good time.

"We should do this again. Soon, I might add."

He nodded in agreement. "Definitely."

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

"You can count on it." Craig turned to leave but she stopped him with a hand on his arm.

As he turned around to face her, her lips crashed into his for a searing kiss. Craig's hands tangled in her hair and Zoe's caressed his jawline as their kiss became more intense. After a moment she pulled back and rested her forehead against his.

"I should go," he whispered out.

Zoe regarded him from under her lashes. This was a good sign; he wasn't interested in her purely for sex. He seems to really like her, which is okay because she really likes him.

Zoe stood in the doorway with a goofy smile on her face and watched as he drove away. This was definitely going somewhere.

_**A/N: So there we go. It seems our Doctor Hanna is rather fond of Craig. What possibilities lie in store for them in the future? Hopefully you won't have to wait as long to find out ;) **_


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: Hello everyone. I'm really sorry for taking so long to update .. I'm in the midst of exams and then there was my trip to Bristol to the Casualty set and this seems to have gotten away from me. This chapter isn't very long but I hope you all like it.**_

_**I'm going to dedicate this to Helen, my other half who I love so, so much. **_

Zoe groaned and whacked the alarm with her groping arm. Allowing one eye to crack open just enough to read the digital display she sighed; 7:20am. Why had she not turned off the damn thing before going to bed?

Finding herself unable to go back to sleep, Zoe swung her legs over the side of the bed and headed to the bathroom for her morning ablutions and a shower. The water was the perfect temperature; that delicate balance between hot and cold. She gave a hum of approval as she stepped under the spray. The droplets cascaded down her body warming the skin in irregular trails. Stepping back slightly Zoe allowed the water to soak her hair before letting her head loll forward so the water was concentrated on her neck and shoulders. The rhythmic beat of the droplets onto her muscles helped to ease them and Zoe felt herself relax even more.

She felt a grin find its way onto her lips as she thought about last night's events; Craig had been the perfect gentleman and Zoe could feel herself falling for him.

As she stepped out of the shower, goose bumps erupted across her skin until she wrapped herself in the biggest towel she owned. Zoe decided in that moment she would invite Craig round after work and she'd show him exactly how much she liked him.

* * *

><p>Rhys decided against bothering Zoe with messages even though he was itching to know how the date went. He worked twice as hard as he usually did in an attempt to occupy his mind and make the time go faster. He really wanted to have a natter with Zoe.<p>

Zoe felt a tug on her sleeve and was swiftly dragged into the staffroom by Rhys who looked thankful to see her.

"What the-?"

"Sorry my love, I just wanted to find out how everything went last night." Rhys grinned sheepishly.

Zoe laughed and touched his arm with her hand. "It was great. I mean, really great. I haven't had a night like that in a while."

"Don't leave me hanging, spill! I need details."

The pair ended up sitting on the sofa; Zoe recounting the entire evening and Rhys looking pleased as punch.

"I'm pleased for you, it seems to me like it's about time you had some real happiness. You deserve it."

"There's something else I need to tell you."

"Oh?" Rhys' interest was well and truly piqued.

"Nick called me."

"What?"

"He called me while I was out with Craig."

"To say what?"

"I may have left a few drunken voicemails on his phone. He wasn't best pleased. I felt awful Rhys. The feelings I have for him won't ever go away and I know that but the way he spoke, Jesus he sounded really hurt."

"Zoe," Rhys said softly taking her hands in his, "he let you go. He could have forgiven you and you could still be together but the fact is, he didn't. That was his choice. It's no reason to stop yourself from finding happiness with someone else."

She nodded, wiping a glimmer of a tear from her eye before smiling sadly at Rhys. Leaning forward she kissed him on the cheek.

"I'd best get to work but I'll catch up with you soon. I need to tell you the arrangements for your birthday lunch."

Rhys smiled, "You sweetheart."

"And thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"It's my pleasure, Zoe. Now go on, you've got lives to save."

Zoe squeezed his hands as she stood up and left the room. Rhys beamed after her. That woman was a diamond.

* * *

><p>Craig leant against the wall watching Zoe twirl her way around resus treating the latest patient that had been brought in by Ben and Suki. Everything she did seemed effortless. He couldn't fight the smile that appeared.<p>

"Doctor McLeish."

He turned to see Rhys stood watching Zoe admiringly too.

"Rhys, what can I do for you?"

"Look after her. She doesn't need her heart breaking again. She really likes you, don't screw it up. Hurt her and you'll have me to answer too."

"Understood. I'd never knowingly hurt her Rhys, believe me."

Rhys nodded, satisfied with the man's response and returned to his duties.

Craig sighed. There was no way he was going to mess things up.

* * *

><p>Later that day Craig felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He was disappointed he'd not had a chance to speak to Zoe properly all day apart from the usual pleasantries. Why could the E.D. never have a slow day?<p>

Opening the message he grinned when he saw it.

_Are you free tonight? I have a bottle of wine that I could use some help drinking. Zoe xx_

He tapped his reply as fast as his fingers would move.

_Of course. Shall I bring us something to eat? Can't enjoy wine without good food. Craig xx_

Zoe's face lit up when she got his message. He was something very special indeed.

_That sounds wonderful. Is 8 going to be okay? I'll be home from work and all sorted by then. xx_

_8 it is. See you soon. Xx_

The rest of Zoe's shift at the hospital didn't seem so bad.

* * *

><p>Belting through her front door Zoe sighed with relief when she realised she had plenty of time to make herself look presentable. She decided on a pair of jeans and a silk blouse … and her favourite pair of knickers. Her make-up was touched up and her favourite perfume spritzed. Zoe felt good.<p>

Craig opted for jeans and his favourite shirt; not too dressy but not too casual either. He'd tamed the stubble that ghosted his jaw and dabbed on some of the expensive aftershave his mom had given him for his birthday. He had half an hour, plenty of time to pick up some food and get to Zoe's.

Considering how much she had liked the food on their date Craig picked up some small dishes from the Italian; they were all things neither of them had chosen so it'd be something nice to try.

* * *

><p>Yet again he found himself feeling the tug of his nerves as he stared at her front door. He saw her through the window, she looked amazing. Taking a deep breath he got out of the car food in hand and strode up to the door. After a brisk knock the door swung open to reveal her.<p>

"Zoe, you look wonderful."

She smiled, "Thank you. Come on, there's wine waiting for you."

The two of them fell into easy conversation and soon the food and wine were gone. She'd complimented him on his impeccable taste and he'd leaned forward and kissed the corner of her mouth.

Zoe gazed at him and felt the inhibition melt away. She kissed him. He groaned deep in his throat as his hands came up to cup her cheeks. Her arms found their way around his shoulders with her fingers playing in the hair at the nape of his neck. Shifting his grip to her hips he moved her so she was sitting astride him never once breaking contact with her mouth.

"Maybe we should move this upstairs." The words fell from her lips amongst gasps and sighs.

His reply was to stand up and tuck her legs around him and carry them to her bedroom.

He lavished her. She hadn't felt like this in such a long time. The happiness bubbled through her and a tear escaped. Craig kissed it away.

* * *

><p>Neither of them noticed the sun chase away the darkness of night, they were engrossed in each other.<p>

They fell asleep tanged in each other, exhausted and satisfied.

_**A/N: I chose not to go for the M rated stuff in this fic .. that's what my one-shots are for ;) Anyhow, thank you as always for your continued support. It really does mean the world. I hope you enjoyed it.**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N:**__**This is set some time after the last chapter. Zoe and Craig are in a relationship.**_

_**I'll warn you now, this is a heavy chapter. **_

Time seemed to merge into one blur with no definition. Her attempt to run was futile; she barely made it to the end of the alleyway when hands grabbed her roughly from behind. She tried to fight but her attacker was too strong, too prepared. She felt herself go woozy as he hit her head sharply off the floor. He knelt on her, a knee painfully jammed into her stomach. Her stomach. She tried to get away but the concussion began to set in and all the fight leaked out of her.

Her cries of anguish were muffled by a gloved hand.

Her heart thudded loudly in her ears and then where there had been pressure and a disgusting heat was now only his ghost and the shiver of the night air.

Not knowing what to do, or if her legs would even carry her, she curled up in a ball and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

><p>Bright lights and noise attacked her senses in a barrage that never seemed to let up. She saw the blonde hair of her best friend along with a distorted view of his face swim in her vision. They were talking to her but nothing made sense. Her brain had stopped processing everything properly; she could barely feel her body but maybe that was for the best.<p>

"What the hell happened?" Craig ran into resus only to be caught and held back by Rhys.

"It looks like she's been attacked. I tried to call her this morning but I got no answer. I went looking for her and on the way to hers I saw someone curled up in the alley. It was Zoe."

Craig paled and was silent. His brain was working overtime. He turned and ran from resus the bile rising in his throat. As soon as he got to the toilet he was sick.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Yesterday.<em>**

Craig couldn't help but smile as he watched her in her sleep. Zoe was beautiful in his eyes; every single thing about her was perfect. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and left their bed to make breakfast.

Zoe's eyes fluttered open not long after he'd left the room. Panic set in for a moment until the smells of food cooking filled her nose and reassured her. Deciding to go and watch him cook she got out of bed and padded across the carpeted floor. Before she could reach the kitchen though, she had to divert to the bathroom. She made it just in time. _Morning sickness?_

Having heard her retching, Craig was by her side in a heartbeat rubbing soothing circles on her back. Zoe sat back against the side of the bath once her stomach was empty.

"Hang on," Craig said softly, "I'll get you some water."

Zoe nodded, "Thanks."

Pulling herself to her feet, using the sink for support, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. All sorts of things ran through her head. Surely it was just a bug. There was no way she could be … No. She shook that thought from her mind. Not a chance.

Craig returned with a tumbler of ice water which Zoe sipped at.

"I'll go and call the hospital. There's no way you're going in."

She went to protest but was swiftly cut off.

"Nope, I'm not having any of that. You're ill and I'd rather you be at home than have you throw up over some poor patient."

Zoe's shoulders slumped, defeated.

"Go on, get back into bed. I'll sort everything out."

He helped her back into the bedroom and got her settled back under the duvet. Craig left after kissing the top of her head and promising to send Rhys round to check on her.

Zoe snuggled back into the warmth and swiftly fell back to sleep.

* * *

><p>"Zoe?"<p>

She barely stirred.

"Zoe?" The voice got louder.

Zoe groaned and forced her eyes to open.

"Alright love; I've bought you some things." Of course it was Rhys.

He plonked himself down on Craig's side of the bed and held an arm out in invitation. Zoe crawled into his arms.

"So, what's up with you then? Craig said something about you being sick this morning but that was about it."

"I might need you to do something for me, Rhys."

"Don't avoid the question."

"I'm not. It's just... well..."

"What?"

"Morning sickness," she whispered.

"But I thought..."

"Yeah, so did I."

"Bloody hell."

"I'm not sure but I don't think it's a bug. I've got no symptoms of anything infection-wise so this is all I can think of."

"It's a miracle."

"Yeah but I don't know if I am yet."

"I tell you what, I'll go pick a test up for you. We need to be sure Zoe. This is huge."

"Would you? Look, I don't want Craig to find out though. If it's not I'd rather him not have to go through the disappointment."

"I understand. We're you trying for a baby anyway?"

"Not really. Considering my situation we never bother using anything but he was never going to complain about that."

"Does he know?"

"Know?"

"About you supposedly not being able to have kids."

"Not in so many words."

"Ah."

"Yeah. I know."

"If it turns out I am, then I'll tell him. I've done the lying thing before and it never ends well."

Rhys saw the sadness in her eyes.

"Hey, come on. It was just a mistake. Things happen. You've got to look on the bright side, you've got Craig and you might also have a baby."

Zoe smiled at him.

"I'll tell you what though, I could murder something to eat."

Rhys laughed. "Two minutes, I'll whip something up."

He kissed her head and headed out to the kitchen.

Zoe sighed. What if she really was pregnant? A smile crept onto her face.

* * *

><p>She heard the door go again from where she sat on the sofa.<p>

"Only me."

"Hey."

"D'you want to do this now?"

Zoe got up from the sofa and approached him.

"I guess it's best to get it over and done with."

"Okay. Come on then."

He passed Zoe the box containing the test.

"Just shout me when you're done, I'll be right outside."

"Thank you."

She entered the bathroom, palms sweating. Rhys plonked himself down on the floor using the wall as a backrest. He wrung his hands together nervously. Moments later the door opened a crack and Zoe emerged. She took a seat on the edge of the best and clutched the piece of plastic that held her future in its hands.

Rhys took hold of her hand and squeezed.

"And now we wait," she said, voice barely above a whisper.

Zoe had an inkling that she might be. She'd been sick a few times already this week but not mentioned it; Craig only stayed a few nights a week.

The clock seemed to be taunting her; its ticks and tocks had an eternity between them. Then, in the moment when all was revealed, time seemed to stop completely.

_Positive …_

Tears flowed down Zoe's cheeks as Rhys bundled her into his arms.

"Congratulations, Zoe."

She held him tighter and cried tears of overwhelming relief and happiness into his shoulder.

* * *

><p>"Zoe?"<p>

"Craig? I'm in here," she called from the bedroom.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her and her red puffy eyes.

"What's up?"

"Come here," Zoe held her arms out to him.

He hugged her tightly before sitting on the bed next to her.

"Craig, I need to tell you something."

"Okay …" he sounded confused but let her carry on.

"You know I was sick this morning? I've been sick a few times these past few days so I – I uh took a test... just to make sure."

Craig sat frozen to the spot. "Are – are you?" He choked the words out.

Zoe nodded, unsure as to what his reaction would be. She needn't have worried; he pulled her into his arms, kissing her.

"That's wonderful Zoe. I love you so much."

"I love you too." She rested her head on his shoulder whilst his hand came to rest on her stomach. All kinds of pictures ran through his mind; every day her bump getting bigger and then finally holding their perfect baby.

"Craig?"

"Hmm?"

"There's something else I need to tell you as well."

"Okay, what is it?"

"I need to tell you how much of a miracle this pregnancy is."

"I don't quite follow."

"A couple of years ago I was told I couldn't have children."

"Oh my –"

"wait, let me get this all out. Me and my ex were trying and I took fertility meds behind his back but still I couldn't get pregnant."

"Nick…" Craig whispered.

Zoe didn't hear him. "For this to happen is totally extraordinary."

"Well then, we best make sure you get the best care available then. I can't begin to imagine how much this means to you."

"I love you so much Craig. I'm sorry I never told you sooner. I just didn't know how you'd take it."

"You could have told me Zoe. I just feel awful that you thought you couldn't. None of that matters now though. All that matters is us and our baby."

"You know what, I fancy going out to celebrate."

Craig laughed, "I thought you might."

"I won't even have anything too boozy to drink."

"I knew it."

The pair of them laughed still barely able to believe the day's events.

* * *

><p>Several hours had passed and the two of them were still in the pub.<p>

"Come on, I think you've had enough now. I thought we were only staying for a couple."

"I want another drink!"

"Zoe, please, do you think that's wise?"

"Fine!" The alcohol that was already in her system propelled her out of the door and into the night. Craig ran after her but she shrugged him off.

"Go home, Craig. I don't want to talk to you."

"At least let me walk you home, you don't even have to talk to me."

"No!" With that she was gone. Craig tried to follow but the streets were like a maze dotted with alleys, she could have gone anywhere.

He kicked a nearby streetlight and headed home. He'd call her soon.

* * *

><p>Zoe's brain was on auto-pilot. She had no idea why she'd flown off the handle like that and now she regretted it. Deciding there was no way she was going to prolong her exposure to the chilly evening air, she headed down an alley she knew would make her journey quicker.<p>

It was a stupid idea. Of course it was. Before she'd even gone a quarter of the way, she heard footsteps on the path behind her. Subconsciously walking quicker, she hoped it was just another drunken reveller. The footsteps got faster. Faster.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Present.<em>**

Hands prodded all over her body. Then she heard the words she'd been dreading. Muffled and distorted but still just about audible she heard Rhys ask about the baby.

_Oh god! My baby!_

The world turned black again.

Several hours passed before Zoe regained consciousness again. Rhys was sat at her bedside clutching her hand in his.

"Hey," he said softly, stroking her hair.

"B-baby?" Zoe croaked.

Her heart broke into a thousand pieces when she saw the look on his face.

"I'm so sorry Zoe."

Tears fell faster than Rhys could wipe them away. Zoe pulled her hand roughly away from his. Rolling away from him, she turned on her side as best she could with all of the wires stuck to her and curled up in the fetal position.

"Zoe…" Rhys reached out and touched her but she recoiled violently.

He looked down at her with such a sadness in his eyes if would have broken the heart of anyone who had looked into them. Rhys decided he'd go and sit with Craig. He had no idea what would happen between the two of them now. He had the feeling it would be a long while before Zoe wanted any kind of contact with people.

_**A/N: Thank you for reading.**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: Now comes the fallout. **_

Zoe had no visitors in the days that followed, or rather she did but she didn't want to talk to any of them. She had no choice but to talk to the police when they came but the doubted the sub-human being that did this too her would ever be caught, let alone charged.

All that filled Zoe's head was how she had lost her miracle baby. Her physical pain was dwindling but the torture going on in her head was relentless.

Zoe had barely spoken to anyone and had taken to living inside her head where she could pretend everything was okay. Zoe did everything that was expected of her for the simple reason that she knew she'd be able to go home quicker.

Her wish was granted on the fourth day. Zoe was being discharged with a referral to a counsellor. A bitter laugh rung through the silence when she read the letter; like that was ever going to happen.

Rhys insisted he take her home. He knew she would stare out of the window and say nothing; Rhys was fine with that. He just wanted to make sure that this time, Zoe actually got home.

* * *

><p>"Look after yourself," he said softly as she got out of his car. No reply came.<p>

Rhys stayed parked outside until he'd seen her enter her house. He knew who he needed to see; Craig.

* * *

><p>Rhys, being a porter, tended to overhear things. Because of that fact, he was sure that Craig McLeish would be at home. He was right.<p>

"Rhys? What are you doing here?"

"I thought you could do with a friend."

Craig's eyes seemed almost empty and his posture; defeated. He acquiesced and let Rhys in.

"Would you like a cuppa?"

"Sit down, I'll go and make it. Milk and one sugar, right?"

Craig nodded and headed through to the sitting room while Rhys, as though he had been in Craig's home a million times before, wandered straight to the kitchen.

"Here," Rhys handed the dark haired man a mug before sitting down beside him with his own.

"Thanks," Craig muttered.

"I don't think she means to push you away."

"Sorry?"

"Zoe. I don't think she means to be like this but it's the only way her head thinks she can cope."

"I just wish she'd talk to me, Rhys. She's not the only one who's lost this child."

"Yeah, I know. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I suppose the only way you can look at it is that this was the baby she never thought she'd carry and now it's gone. It's torn her apart."

"I know, Rhys."

"I don't suppose she ever told you about why she left Holby."

"No, she didn't."

"She was involved with a man; her boss, actually. There was more history there but she never told me about that. All I know is that they were very much together and he wanted a baby. Zoe hadn't ever mustered the courage to tell him she couldn't have children so she took fertitilty medication without him knowing. Anyway, when she took a test after getting nauseous, she wasn't pregnant but he assumed she was from the way she tried to word things. Anyway, she finally admitted to him that she wasn't pregnant and he just walked away. What hurt her the most was that he could just go back to normal, almost like nothing had ever happened."

"Nick."

"What? How did you-?"

"He called her. While we were on out first date he called her. I put off asking her about it."

"She loves you, you know that. There's still a part of her that loves him though. I don't think any good would have come from asking about him."

"I don't want to desert her; I don't want to be like him. This wasn't her fault."

"I know, Craig. You haven't deserted her though; she won't talk to people, let alone see anyone."

"All of this was my fault."

"I don't quite follow."

"I should never have let her go home on her own. We had a stupid row and I let her walk away. How stupid was I? What kind of man does that? God, Rhys, this is all my fault."

"We'll have none of that. You are not to blame. We all know what Zoe's like when she gets in one. It's best to leave alone. She wouldn't have let you follow her more than thirty feet."

"I suppose. I just wish I could see her."

"Me too."

The two men fell into a comfortable silence, each alone with their own thoughts.

* * *

><p>"For god's sake, what?" Zoe answered her phone after ignoring it the previous two occasions it had rung. Not recognising the number, her curiosity got the better of her.<p>

"Zoe, it's Adam."

"Adam?" What the hell was he ringing her for? They hadn't spoken in months so why now?

"Yeah. I – uh – I'm not sure how to say this. Nick's been rushed in. I thought I should tell you."

"Nick …" she whispered to herself.

"It looks like he's got a bleed on his brain. We're not sure how bad it is yet but …"

Zoe hung up; she couldn't bear to listen to any more. As though the phone in her hand had burnt her she threw it violently across the room. It hit the wall and smashed.

She had it in her head that there were no way things could get any worse and then Adam Bloody Trueman has to tell her this!

"Oh god, Nick …" Tears flowed from her eyes in torrents.

Crying was good. She hadn't cried properly since, well, since that night Zoe's mind has so carefully made fuzzy. The sobs that erupted from inside of her were chilling. Zoe's hands were clasped together, white at the knuckles, holding her knees up to her chest as the grief took hold; grief for herself, grief for her baby, grief for him.

* * *

><p>Hours must have passed her by but Zoe neither noticed nor cared; instead tears still formed in her eyes and fell down the shining tracks those who had fallen before had left on her skin. Her eyes were red and her whole body was exhausted.<p>

Zoe didn't move an inch; the sky outside turned from blue to black to blue as she sat motionless.

Somehow, she managed to find herself in bed. Zoe created a kind of cave amongst the duvet; it was warm, safe and dark.

Sometime later she started allowing her thoughts to invade her mind.

"_Shhh, you're going to wake your mummy." Nick hoisted their son onto his hip and started to walk around the apartment with a bounce in his step he hoped would help soothe the dark haired child._

_Soon, what had been cries became soft whimpers. Small fingers held the fabric of his shirt tightly. Nick smiled. _

_Deciding that he would probably sleep for a while now, Nick laid his baby down in his cot. Nick watched for a moment as the small boy wriggled and then settled into sleep. Perfect._

_He felt arms slide around his waist and a kiss being pressed to his shoulder blade._

_Turning on the spot he came face to face with the woman he loved more than anything. _

"_You're such a brilliant dad, Nick."_

"_I know," he said softly with a hint of smugness._

_It had the desired effect of making Zoe have to stifle a giggle._

"_Come on, come back to bed."_

_He leaned down to kiss her before whispering cheekily, "What's in it for me?"_

"_You'll find out soon enough."_

_He raised an eyebrow and smirked as he placed a hand on her bum and pushed her towards their bedroom._

Zoe awoke with a start. She'd been dreaming. The most annoying part was the she couldn't remember what she'd dreamt. All Zoe knew was that in that dream she'd been happy. Everything had been just as it should be.

It seemed that only Zoe's dream-self got any of the real, lasting happiness while she was left to endure the torture of the real world.

Too exhausted to ponder any more she returned to sleep and to her perfect life.

**_A/N: Well there we go. Seems like Zoe is going to find it dificult to cope. _**


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N: Hello folks! Major apologies for such a slow update, things have been a tad hectic.**_

_**This chapter sees the merger of LadyJordan's 'With or Without You' into this story. Major thanks to her for writing such a wonderful companion piece and then letting me tie all the ends off.**_

_**Just to warn you, there are a couple of jumps in time. This happens over a few days.  
><strong>_

_**This isn't quite the end of the story. I have one more definite chapter I want to write and then depending on what you guys think after that I may write more. Thank you as always for your continued support.**_

_**I hope you enjoy.**_

The next morning Zoe finally drew the curtains and allowed some sunlight into her front room. She stood, gaze unfixed, and let the rays warm her skin. The tears still came in streams now, not torrents, but the tracks dried swiftly on her skin.

Zoe had yet to allow anyone near her. She hadn't even answered the phone to Rhys. Guilt added itself to the ever growing pile of things in her head. Then her mind drifted back to Craig. Zoe knew he'd be blaming himself and she should tell him it wasn't his fault but even the memory of his face brought with it shattered dreams. There was no way she could face him. Her hands had come to rest on her stomach, fingers gently moving across her skin. Twice she had been denied happiness. What had she done to deserve this?

"Zoe?"

The voice startled her. Panic washed over her.

"Zoe love, it's me. Please, let me in." Of course it was Rhys. He was shouting through the letterbox.

"I can't," she replied with her voice shaking.

"Why can't you?" His voice was soft, almost like he was trying to coax her out with kindness. That wasn't what she needed right now.

Anger rose in her from some dark depths and she cried, "I just can't!"

Zoe's whole body started to shake. Her mind was becoming fuzzy and she could feel herself going feint; a defence mechanism of sorts.

"Zoe…"

"NO!" With that, she sunk to the floor. The carpet muffled her impact. Rhys turned and walked away. He'd try again tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Holby E.D. was bustling. Nick Jordan lay motionless, with the warm hand of Dr Frances Lively resting in his.<p>

Adam nudged his way through the door into Resus. "We've got him a bed up in Neuro. They're going to keep him under obs to see if the bleed will dissipate on its own or if they're going to have to go in surgically."

Frances nodded. "I know the road was never going to be smooth for him but I wasn't expecting this to happen. I mean, I know it's entirely possible, but you'd think for once he'd get a bit of good fortune."

"Yeah, I know. Luckily from the CT it doesn't look as though it's life threatening, he's likely to just be off his feet for a few days."

Silence passed between them which was then swiftly broken by Big Mac's appearance.

"Mr J ready?"

"Yeah, thanks Big Mac."

The ported gave a small nod and wheeled Nick from resus. Frances followed the trolley; she figured she could see if there was any way she could help.

Adam ran a hand through his hair before wandering back out into main reception.

"How is he?" Tess placed a hand on his arm and rubbed gently.

"Stable for the moment. I just hope Neuro can sort him out. Frances has gone up with him though, I have a feeling she'll keep an eye on things."

"Glad to hear it. I'll go up and see him later if they'll let me. It'll give her a bit of a break, I'm sure she has things she needs to be doing."

"Thanks Tess, I would go myself but we're still a doctor short down here."

"It's fine." Adam smiled at her before heading off to grab a coffee.

Tess stood and observed the goings on. She came to the conclusion that it just wasn't the same without him or Zoe in the mix.

* * *

><p>Zoe's spare phone rang with yet another unknown number. Obviously whoever was trying to call thought it urgent. It could only be Holby – she hadn't left the number anywhere else. The vibration echoed through the drawer she'd flung it in and helped to nudge her awake. Still woolly headed she stumbled across the room and fished it out.<p>

She answered it.

"Zoe? It's Tess."

"Uh?"

"I know Adam told you about Nick. I just wanted to let you know that he's been taken up to Neuro for further obs but everyone's optimistic."

"Nick…"

"Zoe are you alright?"

The line went dead. Zoe left the phone on the side after she'd hit the end call button.

Nick was going to be okay but she wasn't.

* * *

><p>Tess meandered her way through corridors until she found the side room that Nick was in. She touched Frances lightly on the shoulder.<p>

"Go and get some rest. I'll sit with him."

"Thank you." She stood, kissed Nick on the top of his head and left the room.

Tess sat down in the recently vacated chair and sighed. It just wasn't right him being like this. Her hand slipped into his and her fingers swept over the soft skin.

"Come on, Nick. You've come so far already, don't give up now. I have a feeling that someone out there needs you right now. Dark hair, killer smile, sound familiar? I spoke to her today and nothing seems right. Something big's happened Nick and I think she needs you. She might not realise it but she does. So, if not for yourself, but for her you need to get better. For all of us."

Fingering the gold cross she wore around her neck she bowed her head and prayed.

Nick was vaguely aware of someone sitting beside him; he could feel a hand in his but he could smell the slightest hint of perfume. Next he became aware of the tube down his throat. He gagged and squirmed needing to be rid of it. Within moments there were hands on him helping the retched thing out and telling to be calm.

He allowed his eyes to open a fraction and groaned at the pain in his head. It was getting better but it still hurt like hell.

"Zoe?" He found the name just slipped from his lips.

"Mr Jordan?"

Flopping his head to the side, Tess' face came into view.

"T-Tess?"

"I'm here."

Nick's eyes slid shut again and a single tear rolled down his cheeks. His brain still couldn't work out where Zoe was. He'd forgotten that she'd gone. He fell back to sleep before they could get him another CT scan.

* * *

><p>Through some shameless name-dropping, the Neuro team had managed to get a CT slot. The results were good. The blood had been reabsorbed into the brain and he was recovering well. The whole of the E.D had breathed a sigh of relief when the news finally reached them.<p>

"Adam?" Tess called the doctor and signalled him to follow her into her office.

"What's up?"

"I just wondered, it was you who called Zoe about Nick being in wasn't it?"

"Yeah." Adam was unsure where the line of questioning was going.

"How did she seem to you?"

Adam frowned as he tried to recall the phone call. "I dunno. Distracted."

"I think she was a little more than distracted. I think something's happened."

"Now you mention it, she was barely coherent. Then there was a smash and the line cut off. Christ, did she smash the phone up?" A vision of Zoe destroying the phone swept into Adam's mind.

"She must have. I tried calling that phone but it wouldn't even ring. I had to ring her spare and even then she hung up a second after I told her it looked as though he was going to be okay."

"That's really not like her. Is there any way we can find out? She went to Appleby didn't she? At least I think that's what Nick said."

"Yeah I think so. I'll make a call. There's bound to be someone who knows."

Adam nodded his thanks and left to attend to a casualty who'd just been brought in.

* * *

><p>"Appleby E.D. how can I help you?"<p>

"Hi, it's Sister Bateman from Holby City. I was just wondering if there was anyone I could speak to about Doctor Hanna."

The line was silent for a moment.

"Sister Bateman, I've got Rhys. He's a porter here, but he's Zoe's best friend."

"Hello?"

The voice was welsh.

"Hi, Rhys, I was wondering if you knew anything about Doctor Hanna? A colleague and I have spoken to her briefly about her old boss and she just didn't seem right at all. I was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the matter."

"You've spoken to her?" Rhys was surprised.

"Yes but not for very long. She hung up."

"What did you say to her?" Rhys was becoming agitated. He knew how fragile Zoe was at the moment.

"Her boss got brought in to the E.D. and we thought she'd want to know."

"Nick, right?"

"How did you-?" Tess was taken a-back by the Porter's knowledge of their Clinical Lead.

"She's told enough about him. I'm sorry Sister Bateman but to tell you what happened would take an awfully long time and I don't know if Zoe would be very happy if I went blabbing about things to people."

"So it was serious then?"

"It was, yes. She won't talk to anyone so I'm surprised she answered your calls."

"Is she alright?"

"Physically, yes. Mentally, I'm not so sure."

Tess' mind was whirling. "Are you sure you can't tell me, Rhys?"

"I can't. I'm sorry. If I can get her to change her mind, I'll call you and let you know."

"Thanks. We appreciate it."

"Anytime. Bye."

Tess let out a deep breath. What the hell had happened?

* * *

><p>Nick was coming round slowly; he was regaining his hold on things. Noticing the troubled expression on Tess' face he tapped her with his hand to get her attention.<p>

"What's going on?" He managed to get the words out.

"I don't know if I should tell you."

He gave her a look she'd become familiar with in the E.D. She caved.

"It's Zoe."

"Zoe?"

"Something bad's happened Nick. Apparently she's holed up at home and won't talk to anyone."

The cogs in Nick's head were going ten to the dozen.

"Can I try and talk to her?" He wasn't sure where this sudden surge of protectiveness had come from. It always seemed to be there, even when they weren't on the greatest of terms.

"Do you have the number for her spare phone?"

Nick nodded. Tess fished his mobile phone out for him and passed it across.

With fumbling hands he found the number and dialled.

* * *

><p>Zoe had been staring at the bottle for a good hour. It'd be so easy to take them all. She wouldn't be in this relentless nightmare then.<p>

She was alone.

Optimistic. She laughed bitterly. What? He'd be alive? Wonderful. He could be a shell with vacant eyes and still be alive. Alive covered all the bases. Would he still be the grouchy pain in the arse that she loved with every fibre of her being or would be tethered to live by a chorus of machines? She couldn't bear to think about it.

Her baby. Babies, really. Gone too. Who on earth was she kidding? Like she could ever be a mum. Someone just enjoyed taunting her.

Craig. Lovely, kind, funny, Scottish Craig. He loved her with all his heart. She loved him too. It was over though. They'd never be able to agree; he would always blame himself and she's ultimately get sick of his self-pity and leave anyway so why prolong the hurt?

One man. Rhys. Her Rhys. Her best friend. She couldn't even talk to him anymore. He already knew too much. She was vulnerable. She wouldn't tell him anymore.

With tears in her eyes she opened the bottle and shook and handful of white pills into her hand. She stared at them, casting glances at every single one.

The phone on the side buzzed. Zoe jumped and the pills scattered away from her.

Her heart was in her throat when she saw the number. Nick.

"Nick?"

"Zoe. Are you alright?"

With that simple question the dams burst and she was sobbing, clutching the phone to her ear. He was him. He was still her Nick.

"Shh, come on. Tell me what's wrong."

"I – I thought y-you we're gone."

"So did I for a moment but someone reminded me that there was something to live for."

"I. I need you."

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Stay though Zoe. Please stay."

How had he known? How could he have known?

"Oh god Nick, I'm so sorry."

"No, no,no. Don't be silly. I'm coming Zoe. Promise me you'll wait for me?"

The sobs continued.

"Zoe, I need you to promise me."

"Promise."

"I'll be there soon."

"Hurry Nick." Zoe hung up and fled into the garden. She sat down in the grass and let the beginnings of the rain storm hit her skin. He was coming for her.

_**A/N: So there we go. Fingers crossed Nick can help Zoe fight her demons. Thanks for reading.**_


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N: Hello everyone! Very, very sorry for taking so long to update. Life is mental, and there was the small incident of visiting the set again at the end of July. This is kind of a filler chapter and you'll hate me for where it ends but I thought that the major stuff needs it's own chapter.**_

_**Your continued support and encouragement is, as, always overwhelming and appreciated.**_

_**Any mistakes you find are mine. Please forgive me.**_

"You're in no fit state to be going anywhere."

"I suggest you let me leave. Right now." Nick's tone was deadly.

"I strongly advise-"

"Do I strike you as the kind of man who's going to listen to your advice? I'll sign an AMA."

The Neuro doctor held his hand up in defeat and left to find the form.

"Hurry up!" Nick shouted after him.

Half an hour later Nick was dressed and ready to go. He exited the hospital swiftly as to not attract attention and hailed a taxi. A quick stop for cash later and he was heading for Appleby. The driver was on the limit and still Nick was getting apprehensive. His gaze was fixed on the clock; time didn't seem to be moving.

* * *

><p>"Rhys?"<p>

"Hello?"

"It's Tess. Sister Bateman. I just thought I should let you know that Nick is likely on his way over right now. He discharged himself AMA after speaking to Zoe on the phone."

"Right, okay. Would you mind giving me a number for him? I could do with talking to him."

"Not at all. Give me a moment" Tess fished out Nick's mobile number and recited it out for Rhys to note down.

"Thanks Tess. I appreciate it."

"No problem. I'll give you a call if anything else happens."

"Okay. Thank you. I hope everything goes well."

"Me too."

"Bye."

* * *

><p>Zoe was in a world entirely her own. The rain beating down on her skin seemed to be washing away all the anger and hate and despair. It wasn't going to be gone in moments; it was slow and it hurt to let go of it in a way but slowly the walls were crumbling. Words repeated softly in her head; <em>he was coming.<em>

* * *

><p>Nick watched the scenes flick past him but nothing seemed to hold his interest. Feeling the familiar buzzing of his phone on his upper thigh, he fished it out from the folds of his pocket and answered.<p>

"Hello, Nick Jordan speaking."

"Nick. It's Rhys." He seemed agitated. Nick could relate to that all too well. "I was wondering if you'd mind me being there when you get there. I've got a spare key for the front door in case she won't or," he gulped, "can't let us in."

"I'd appreciate that. I have to ask, is there _anything_ you can tell me?" Nick's desperation to know was almost embarrassing but he didn't care.

"I think it would be better if she told you herself. I'm sorry Nick. I want to tell you but she has to be the one."

Nick allowed a sigh past his lips. It wasn't Rhys' fault so it was no use in getting angry with him. He was doing what any decent human should do – protecting his friends.

"I understand. I should be there soon enough." Nick remembered he didn't know Zoe's exact address, he'd merely told the driver to head for Appleby. "I can't believe I forgot to ask this sooner, but what's her address?"

Rhys relayed all of the necessary information before saying goodbye.

Nick felt the butterflies churning in his stomach. He hadn't been this nervous in a long time. A sweaty hand reached out and wound the window down a notch; just enough to let a cold breeze flutter across his skin.

* * *

><p>The taxi came to an abrupt halt and Nick dove outside as though the seat he'd be occupying had suddenly burnt him. He fished out a wad of notes, uttered his thanks and "Keep the change," before bounding up the steps to Zoe's front door.<p>

Nick's fist pounded the wood, hard. He knelt down and pushed the letterbox open so he could see into the hall. No movement.

"Here, let me." A voice came from behind him. Nick turned to see Rhys unlocking the front door. He stood and shook hands with the Welshman.

"Thank you."

Together they rushed through the house looking for Zoe.

His heart stopped when he saw her.

Zoe was sitting cross-legged as she had been for hours. Her clothes were damp and her hair was wet. It had obviously been raining. A few strides later and he'd gathered her up in his arms whispering "I'm here," over and over into her hair. As though she'd been shocked into the land of the living by his touch, her arms flew out and wrapped tightly around him.

"Come on, let's get you inside."

Together, they made their way inside.

Rhys was in the kitchen making them all a cup of coffee. He locked eyes with Nick and nodded his understanding when the pair headed upstairs.

There was no way Nick was going to make her sit in her wet clothes, so he steered her into her bedroom.

"Zoe, get changed. I'll not have you catching a cold." She looked worried when he moved away from her.

"Don't worry; I'll be waiting right outside the door."

Zoe nodded and Nick shut the door with a soft click. He let out a breath. It came from deep within him, carrying all of the relief he felt in seeing her again. She wasn't okay by any stretch of the imagination, but hopefully, together she'd get back on the right track.

He heard the door open behind him. Nick turned to face her. Her eyes were glued to his. For the first time since he'd got here she was really looking at him, not through him.

"You came," she whispered, as though she could barely believe it.

"Of course. I told you I was going to. I don't break my promises."

"Even though you hate me, you still came."

"I never hated you, Zoe. Really, I didn't. I was angry, yes. That was all it was. Anger. Now, come on. Rhys is making drinks. We need to talk properly."

Tears were shining in her eyes. Instinctively, Nick took her hand. Together, they made the trip into the living room. Rhys was waiting for them, perched nervously on the edge of one of the armchairs. He got to his feet when they appeared.

"I know you've got a lot to discuss so I'll make myself scarce for a while."

Strangely, it was Nick who looked as though he was about to protest. Zoe's squeeze of his hand encouraged him to keep his mouth shut.

"Thank you," Zoe croaked out.

Rhys approached the both of them. He shook Nick's hand and placed a kiss to Zoe's cheek.

"Be strong, love," he whispered into her ear.

"If you need anything, you know where I am." He tapped the pocket where his mobile lay.

"Thanks Rhys," Nick said.

Rhys turned and left.

The air was not as heavy as Zoe thought it might have been. She didn't feel scared or anything like that. It was almost as though him just being here made everything start to feel better.

She tugged his hand and led him to the sofa. They sat, knees touching, hands still clutched together.

"This isn't going to be easy," Zoe whispered.

Nick stroked the back of her hand with the pad of his thumb. "I know. Just take your time. Don't feel like you have to rush through. We've got all the time in the world."

Zoe looked at him squarely before dipping her head to press a kiss to his lips. It lasted barely a fraction of a second but the way his eyes sparkled and the sight of a smirk tugging at his lips gave her the courage to start talking.

_**A/N: I told you you'd hate me. The next chapter will see Zoe telling Nick everything. How will he react? **_

_**I'll try not to take as long with the next update. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it!**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N: I know this is sort of a recounting of the plot thus far, but Zoe needs to tell Nick in her own words. I have a sneaking suspicion this isn't the end of this fic though. They still have a long road to travel.**_

For a long while, the only sounds that danced against their ear drums were the ticking of the clock that hung on the wall in the kitchen and their own steady breathing.

"So," Zoe began slowly, taking a long pause as she readied herself. The torrent that was about to flood out of her carefully constructed walls would either wash them both away, or he'd be standing on the side, rescuing her.

"You know why I left, Nick. That's something we need to talk about, but it can wait."

Nick nodded his head slightly in both understanding and agreement. She continued when he made no move to speak.

"It wasn't long after I started working at Appleby that I made friends with Rhys. I suppose he's a bit of a cross between Big Mac and Jay."

"Yes, I can see the similarities," Nick said with a smirk.

"I got drunk, he took me home and I spilled every secret of my heart to him. He's my best friend, Nick. He knew about you and everything that happened. He knew how lonely I was."

At the last sentence, Nick squeezed her hand.

"Then I met Craig. He was another consultant and we hit it off almost straight away. He was sort of like a dark haired more mature version of Lenny, but maybe I'm only saying that 'cause he was Scottish."

Nick, sat in jeans and a t-shirt, looked a million miles from how he was imprinted in her mind. Perhaps that was why she found it easier to talk to him than she thought. Still, she realised she was going off on a tangent and reined her narrative back to the story.

"Rhys encouraged me to ask him out for a drink. So, I did. Everything seemed perfect. Well, almost perfect. In the back of my mind there was always a niggle that something wasn't quite right."

Their eyes met for a second. _He just wasn't you._

"But, things carried on and I was happy. Life was going well for the first time in a long time and I wasn't going to throw that away." Zoe's voice lowered now, "Then, a few months later, I found out I was pregnant."

He was dumbstruck.

"I was nearing twelve weeks along according to the test. I should have known but I wanted to believe the nausea was just a bug. I was petrified about telling Craig in case he wasn't ready to be a Dad. No matter what he said there was no way on god's earth that I was giving up this baby."

One of his eyebrows rose. Still, he didn't interrupt. He was scared that if he did, she might not carry on. Zoe wanting to keep the baby was something that ate away at him though. He would have to wait until later, no doubt, for an explanation about that.

"Luckily, he was thrilled. We ventured out for a celebratory drink. I wanted a glass of wine, or two, but Craig took offense to this. I know how much I'm okay to drink; he seemed to have forgotten that I was a doctor too. We had an awful fight and I made the biggest mistake of my life."

Nick could see tears building in her eyes. "Hey, come on." He held her hand up to his lips and kissed the skin of her knuckles. "You're doing so well. Just take your time."

She allowed her eyes to close for a moment, her eyelashes resting softly on her skin. A tear crept from the corner of her eye and traced a path down her cheek until it finally dripped from her chin and landed on her leg. Zoe took a deep breath through her nose and let the air seep out from between her lips. She was regaining control. This was going to be the most difficult bit, she knew that, but she felt compelled to tell him. Everything, every detail needed to be recounted. Perhaps it was his words of comfort she so desperately needed to cure her. In the moment that followed, she became certain of the fact. Somehow, within the tapestry of the universe, their two threads were so tightly woven together you'd sometimes confuse them for a single strand. No matter where they went, they were destined to always find each other again.

"I was so stupid, Nick. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to have to be walking for ages so I took a shortcut through the alley just up the street. Someone followed me. I tried my hardest to block out the sound of his shoes hitting the ground, tried to make myself believe I was just imagining it. I walked faster and faster until I was practically running. He caught up with me. I could hear him breathing behind me. Then I felt his hands grab my shoulders and spin me round. I struggled, I tried to fight but he was too strong and I was tipsy. I remember a stabbing pain in my head and the cold of the path on my back. I was falling into unconsciousness. I felt weight on my stomach and in that moment I knew." Zoe's voice dropped so it was barely above a whisper, as tears ran down her cheeks in steady waves. "I knew my baby would be taken away from me and in that second I gave up and let the dark swallow me up. I don't know anything after that, just what the doctor's told me. I'd lost my baby at the very least. My little miracle."

Nick had leaned forwards and took her in his arms. "I'm so sorry, Zoe. I'm so sorry."

She clutched at him, her knuckles turning white. "All I keep thinking is that I shouldn't have had anything to drink, I shouldn't have argued with Craig and I should never have gone down that alleyway alone."

"None of this was you're fault. None of it."

"I – I need to apologise to Craig. I haven't spoken to him since this happened. I'm guessing Rhys has probably been to see him but it's not the same."

"I think that you need to concentrate on getting better first. You are the most important person right now."

"Nick, I need to tell you something."

They moved from their tight embrace so they sat, arms still around each other, but faces straight on as she looked deeply into his eyes.

"I was told a few years ago that I couldn't have children. I never found the courage to tell you before because I knew how much you wanted a baby Nick and I couldn't take you're dream away from you. I was over the moon when I found out I was actually pregnant but now it seems like I'll never have a child of my own."

Nick now had tears to mirror hers. She had kept that to herself for all these years? "Zoe, you could have told me. What did you think I would have done?"

"Nick, you deserve someone who can give you what you want."

"What if what I want more than anything in the world is sitting right in front of me? I was such an idiot, Zoe. I've been going crazy without you. Nothing seems right when you're not around."

That was it. The pair of them let out sobs of relief and folded themselves together again. His hand stroked her hair and came to rest on the back of her neck while her nails dug into his skin, scared that he might let go. He brushed the tip of his nose along the skin of her cheek so he could press a gentle kiss to her lips. She kissed him back.

The world around them both seemed to fade away; all the pain and hurt and regret melted away into nothing.

The two threads twinned together once more; red and blue, along with the promise of a shining gold thread. Never again would the two of them be parted.

_**A/N: So, there we go. I suppose that's the end of my original story idea but I really wouldn't feel right about ending it here. Maybe I'll add more chapters or maybe I'll write a sequel fic. If you've any preference, do let me know.**_

_**From the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you whether you just read or whether you leave a review and favourite and all that jazz – without your support and encouragement I wouldn't be half the writer I am. **_


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